we are nowhere and it's now

(500) posts of erin

2012-02-01T18:36:00.000-08:00

somebody make a lot of noise: it's my 500th blog post! woot woot woot!
it's been 4 years and 500 posts on this blog and it's kinda cool to have something to go to and take a walk down memory lane. i was never good at keeping a journal or a diary, but this format has made it fun to share stories, things i like and everything in between.

with this exciting post i have some really exciting news! i am packing my bags and moving back across the bridge to the east bay. a decision made due to a few different factors but mostly because of money - like every other decision that i make. i'm looking forward to my new home, wherever it may be, in berkeley or oakland. joe and i have been scouring craigslist, padmapper and property management sites looking to see what's out there and the good news is that there is so much available right now. the problem is that we've fallen for twice places that have been snatched up from us already. but we know that we'll find the perfect match for us.

the fun thing about moving to the east bay is that it's a whole new area to explore. there are a lot of restaurants and bars i've always wanted to check out but never have. mostly due to my own proximity to public transportation that takes me to the east bay. i know i'll be in sf every day for work and seeing friends so now i feel like i'll have an opportunity to make the best of both sides of the bay.

what are your favorite places in berkeley or oakland?

i can't wait to buy groceries at berkeley bowl, drink at trappist, ride my bike around the lake and shop on 4th street.

week end update.

2012-01-22T22:07:00.000-08:00

i think of sunday as the end of the week, although, i guess technically, it's the start. nevertheless, it's the end of the weekend and it's been a pretty eventful one.

my mom and i went to lunch on saturday at luna park (review coming soon to yaynayorokay) and then shopping. i got this fun little thingie from madewell (picture it in blue, because that's what i got):

saturday night lead me back to the mission for a birthday celebration at dear mom.

i have to say that i was pretty disappointed by this new bar. i won't go all yelp on you but here are the top 3 reasons:

1. worst service ever. we're talking a 20 minute wait at the bar. the space is huge, there were like 100+ people there and they had 4 bar tenders. not tight.

2. jukebox didn't play the rihanna song that i requested and paid for!

3. atm ran out of money. any other place and this would not have mattered because i could have hopped next door and grabbed cash, however, dear mom is in the middle of nowhere. i'm lucky i have loving friends who will buy me a tallboy.

today i did a little crafting and a lot of football watching. that's right people. not only did i watch the niners game (duh), i also watched most of the pats/ravens game. tough break for our niners but it's pretty amazing they went that far, and i think with such an awesome team they'll definitely play big again next season.

back to the crafting though. joe recently helped me with this fun decor project using a wall decal and a canvas i painted.

turns out that wall decals don't want to stick to acrylic paint on canvas so the letters and outline slowly starting peeling off. really unfortunate because hanging over our bed it was super cute. in order to salvage what was left i turned the old painting into a new and improved one.

things on the horizon for this week: dinner at locanda, my friend casey balsham doing standup at the punchline, the science of cocktails at the exploratorium and a very special birthday dinner for je'.

wishing everyone a fantastic week!

merry and bright.

2012-01-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

dreary winter is upon us so i'm thinking ahead to spring with these brights on my must have list.

love/need:

alice + olivia elysee blazer

suno layered hawaii print skirt

current/elliott corduroy skinnies

m by mj beth sweater

p.s. remember when i blogged yesterday that i wanted to save money. this is the number one reason that will never happen. but i'll enjoy every wear!

goals, resolutions, commitments.

2012-01-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

my first post of the year is not only belated, but it's pretty much only coming to you because i'm in bed with a cold. i'm feeling much better than i did late last night and into this morning, so i'm up, i'm chatting, i'm online shopping and thus i'm pondering. i'm not exactly a make a resolution i'm going to stick to kind of gal. i've almost never made a real resolution. but i am constantly making mental lists of the stuff i should, can or need to do. last year i spent a lot of time getting away and this year i think i want to try to keep it closer to home. explore what's around me. spend more time with the people that are here. all of the trips i went on last year really added up, so i'm also trying to spend less money.
the money this has never been easy for me. i'm always spending more than i'm making. this year i would like to pay off my small credit card debt. it's the only debt i have but i'd love to be debt free. then i could start saving for something really exciting. the thing about debt, is that even if it's a little, you're still paying more than whatever the price was and the longer it sits, the more you pay. i'm pretty sure i'm still paying for clothes i bought like 2 years ago. nevertheless, i don't have a ton of it so i think it's something i can manage to do this year - at least most of it.
i would really like to plan another super successful teresa's birthday benefit.
coming off of last year's event i was so proud and so excited and i'm trying to figure out a way to keep that momentum. honoring teresa is something that i take a few minutes to do every day and i want to share that with everyone. i want people to remember her spirit and her life. i'm working with cure, the organization that we worked with for the benefit last year on their spring fundraiser, so hopefully from that i'll get more people interested in coming out to support teresa's birthday.

my other goals and interests for the year, in no particular order:
read more
hit the gym 3x a week at least
continue learning photography
read at least one new book a month
plan an amazing itinerary for my trip to paris with my mom
see my sister and niece at least a few times
learn something new
continue writing here and on yaynayorokay
spend more time exploring sf

i did stuff this year.

2011-12-23T11:27:00.000-08:00

a lot of stuff, actually. aside from getting a new job and planning a successful benefit + my high school reunion, i did a lot of really cool things this year. i spent the first part of the year laying pretty low, not doing much socializing, and being a total flake. but after a while i realized i could wallow and be sad or i could go out and do things to make me feel better. this is some stuff i did.

travel (+ dining highlights):
NYC - bar americain, meskerem, s'mac, egg
LA/Chattsworth - osaka
Las Vegas - la cave
Seattle - staple & fancy mercantile
Coulee City/Spokane (x2)
Humboldt - brick & fire, lost coast
Lake Tahoe
Napa (x2) - rotisserie & wine, grace's table, tra vigne
Portland - apizza scholls, pok pok, tasty n sons

sf dining highlights (see yaynayorokay for full list):
boulevard
foreign cinema
a16
aziza
nopa
cotogna
el paseo + rotisserie & wine + wayfare tavern - love t. flo!
prospect

live music + shows:
dashboard confessional
godspeed! you black emperor
Michael Showalter in Conversation
Bright Eyes (x2)
Warpaint
Girl Talk
President Barack Obama
Hugh Jackman One Man Act
Pinback
Tracy Morgan Standup
Yeasayer
Tales of the City
Alkaline Trio (x2)
Fleet Foxes/Walkmen
Bon Iver
Fred Falke
City & Colour
Yelle

am i missing anything?
what was your favorite thing in 2011?

quote of the day

2011-12-22T15:28:00.000-08:00

"its hard for me to believe the same product is helping people start revolutions and keep track of my elementary school class" - my insightful coworker emilia about facebook.

we live in a really weird world.

what a long, strange year it's been.

2011-12-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

as most know, this year did not start out well. and while things are a little better, i hardly think it's end much better than it started. i don't know that i'll ever enjoy this time of the year again. maybe if christmas and new years could be moved to another month i might like it again, but i find it hard to be festive or merry or bright without teresa. who knows if/when that will change. for now, i'm dealing, and i never thought i'd make it to this quasi-ok place.

it wasn't easy to get here. i started the year in a dark place and i never thought i'd feel better again. i never really thought i'd feel anything other than sad. but i made choices this year to make myself feel better. i over indulged when i thought it would help, i made it a point to spend time with people that matter, to do things that were stimulating and satisfying. i ate amazing food, saw amazing sights, laughed a lot, cried even more than that, loved, hurt and everything in between. i did all of those things for teresa. i felt her presence with me everywhere i went.

as the year winds down and i reflect on everything that has happened over the last twelve months i am really proud of myself. i have tried, with all of my strength, to turn the most tragic to happen in my life to something i can learn from and grow from. missing teresa never goes away, it never changes but i've learned that i can deal with it in various ways and i've decided to do it as positively as possible.

the most amazing thing that i did this year was turn her birthday party into an opportunity to raise awareness about and fundraise for epilepsy research. working with cure and my friends and family on teresa's birthday event was a positive way to spend a terrible day. i am still so proud of what we were able to accomplish in teresa's honor and it's opening possibilities for even more stuff in the future.

the other thing i did was try to better my mental situation in a variety of ways. i started the year going to weekly counseling with my parents which was both brutal and helpful. when that didn't help as much as i hoped, i turned to medicine and started taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds, so i could get through the really dark days. the anti-depressant helped, i didn't want to use it as a crutch though, and after 5 months i went off of them, they did their job and i feel so grateful to modern science for that. when i realized that things in my personal life were negatively affecting me, i changed them. i got a new job that i love. i'm happy to head to work in the morning which i didn't know was possible. i get support from my boss and colleagues that i've never really experienced before and that helps me during the anxiety or panicky times in my day, which still come and go.

i'm glad that 2011 is almost over. it was a year of firsts without teresa. her first birthday, my first birthday, holidays, vacations, family dinners, etc. nothing prepares you for what it might be like to spend time doing your normal activities without the person that makes them normal. that was hard, but i'm getting more comfortable bringing her up and telling stories and remembering all of the amazing times we did get to spend together. and i know that as the next year passes and it's the second time i'm doing something special without her, whatever it may be, that it's ok to have a good time and think of her and feel love and happiness.

movie monday.

2011-12-19T16:45:00.000-08:00

i've been waiting for the release date of this movie for like a year. it's finally set to be released in march 2012. will ferrell is amazing. this is just further proof.

the most wonderful time of the year.

2011-12-14T10:11:00.000-08:00

it's awards season ladies and gentleman. break out your red carpets, your couture, your fashion mistakes, your prepared speeches and a little bubbly. it's time to make your predictions for the season's best nights.

the screen actor's guild award nominees were announced today! noticeably missing? any nom for ryan gosling, who has had a stellar year. excited to see nominated? the cast of midnight in paris, one of my favorite movies of the year.

the screen actors guild awards are usually the best indication of who is the front runner for best actor & actress at the oscars. the sag awards are on tbs, sunday, january 29.

the nominees for the independent spirit awards were announced earlier this month! this is always a great way to hear about lesser known movies and up-and-coming actors and directors. they will be hosted by seth rogan and air february 25.

the nominees for the golden globes will be announced tomorrow, december 15 and will air january 15. and will be hosted by ricky gervais - after last years brutality this is surprising but i am so excited to hear what he has to say.

the nominees for the academy awards will be announced january 24 and will air february 26 and will be hosted by billy crystal!

other notable awards shows that may be too boring to watch include the directors guild awards and the producers guild awards.

i have so much watching to do. who wants to join me?

middle school wisdom.

2011-12-13T22:13:00.000-08:00

sometimes when i know it will rain or i have to wear something really nice to work i'll just take the 30. the 30 goes by marina middle school so i am privy to school yard gossip and 13 year old's musings when i'm riding the bus. today two besties sat in the seats across from me and discussed relationship issues. it turns out that one of the girls has been experiencing a lot of trouble with her boyfriend. this conversation was too good to not share.

tales of the 30 stockton

scene: two girls sit next to each other on the bus, one is trying to read an anime book while her friend whines about her relationship with her boyfriend. these two girls are maybe 12 or 13.

girl 1: he's changed. i talked to my mom about it and i told her every thing and she said we're at the age where we change. i think she's right because i can just tell in his attitude. (what mom gives their 12 year old relationship advice other than "you're too young to date.")

girl 2: so break up with him. (duh)

girl 1: i can't do that but it's just a bad cycle of jealousy and fighting. (what do 12 year olds have to be jealous of?)

girl 2: you should just meet someone else. get over him. (clearly a fan of wayne's world.)

girl 1: but i like him. i can't over him. i sit next to him in math class and his locker is next to mine. (you can move seats and lockers, you're not stuck there forever.)

girl 2: you'll meet someone in high school. (she's hoping for this for herself.)

girl 1: i can't wait that long. i need love. (seriously? at 12 the most pressing thing on my mind was what would happen on the next episode of full house or 90120. actually, that's still the most pressing thing on my mind.)

girl 2: so shut up about it then. (only at this age can you tell your best girlfriend to shut up about a guy she likes/is dating without insulting her or hurting her feelings. enjoy it while it lasts, kid.)

i wasn't sure if i was listening to middle schoolers or an episode of sex and the city. i really hope it all works out for them. i mean, most middle schoolers go on to marry their grade school loves, right?

joe went viral.

2011-12-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

joe ended up on the futurama facebook today:

and on comedy central's website:

joe commented on another post saying he had a leela tattoo and ended up all over the internet.

best thing about the internet? comments!

these are my favorite:

"I looked because of the promise of nipple, man was I disappointed"

"Men have nasty ugly bodies! Ugh"

"shut up people its not yours it was his mistake to make if he likes it thats all that matters i do agree it could have been better but im not gonna call him stupid"

"Not quite sure why anyone would want that tattoo"

and the best comment, with 6 likes:

"That nipple is really icky looking."

home improvement.

2011-12-07T21:55:00.001-08:00

i picked up this great shanna murray wall decal at the cutest shop in portland in october. as a renter i am hesitant to put anything i might want forever on my apartment walls. lucky for me my main squeeze was once a sign installer and was able to put the wall decal on this canvas i painted. we had some trouble because the decal did not want to stick to the paint on the canvas. the original decal had a second line around the rim but that got lost in the transfer. it now hangs above our bed.

decal: $40, canvas: $6, paint: $4

manual labor & installation: free!

quote of the day.

2011-12-05T22:48:00.001-08:00

"may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living" - ee cummings

movie monday.

2011-12-05T22:16:00.001-08:00

you're probably being bombarded by commercials, trailers and posters for the upcoming movie "new years eve" and you may think it looks cute and funny and worth you time but i'm here to argue that it is not.

new years eve is a total rip off of one of my favorite movies of all time - 200 cigarettes.

ensemble cast? check! new years eve? check! new york city? check! intertwining story lines? check! funny, light-hearted, romantic comedy? check!

sarah jessica parker, ashton kutcher, lea michelle? snooze fest.

200 cigarettes stars paul rudd, casey & ben affleck, dave chapelle, courtney love, kate hudson, christina ricci, janeane garofalo, and jay mohr. these actors are hilarious, the writing of this story is witty and funny and it has some really sweet parts.

this year, resolve to watch great movies. not mediocre movies made so that a few people can rich off of your cash.

CURE

2011-11-29T21:45:00.001-08:00

"Complete freedom from seizures --without side effects--is what we want. It's too late for us, so we committed ourselves to the hope that we can protect future generations from having their lives defined and devastated by this disorder." - Susan Axelrod

today i had lunch with susan and david axelrod and many friends of cure here in san francisco. cure is an organization i found last spring while researching organizations dedicated to epilepsy awareness and research. cure was founded by susan after getting fed up with the lack of funding and research going into finding a cure for epilepsy. when i started planning teresa's birthday fundraiser i knew that this was an organization that i really wanted to get behind. the fundraiser exceeded everyone's expectations and i look forward to planning the event in 2012. in the meantime i'm becoming more involved with cure by volunteering at their annual sf fundraiser.

i met so many people today tied to this condition and my heart broke as i heard stories of young children with severe epilepsy who may never know a comfortable life, of teenagers living with epilepsy, of people who grew up with an epileptic parent and when i told my own story about my connection to epilepsy. i also met a great group of people dedicated to advancing the awareness of this disease and doing whatever they can to raise money for more funding and more opportunities. i take comfort in knowing that teresa's story is being heard and that it's having an impact on people's lives. while i wish that she could be here and that this could have been something we were involved with together, i know that she would be proud of me for what i am doing.

movie monday.

2011-11-28T19:51:00.001-08:00

official selection at cannes & toronto.
starring the mesmerizing tilda swinton and the brilliant john c. riley.

looks like it will be perfection.

cooking at home: cheddar bay biscuits

2011-11-27T17:10:00.001-08:00

for the last few years my contribution to thanksgiving dinner has been the biscuits. my biscuits are a copy-cat recipe of the biscuits that the family friendly seafood restaurant red lobster has been serving up for years. many recipes i've seen online call for bisquick, but if i'm gonna bake, i'm going to do it from scratch.

red lobster's cheddar bay biscuits:

the total time takes about 40 minutes. the prep is harder the first time, and if you have a food processor that will save you a bunch of time. i have made these with and without a food processor, there is no noticeable difference. i made these at my parents house so i just used two forks to break up the crisco and butter. they were a big hit. definitely something to be thankful for.

i remember.

2011-11-23T09:28:00.001-08:00

a year ago i woke up, got dressed, and went to work. my phone rang at the office and it was my dad. immediately i knew something was wrong. my mind started racing and filling with questions as i tried to anticipate what was going to come next. my mind never went where my dad did, because the thought of my sister dying was so beyond me and so incomprehensible, it wasn't even an option. but it was true. in the very early morning of november 23, 2010 my sister died after an epileptic seizure. a year later i know that she died from SUDEP, but i don't know much else about why this happened or if it could have been prevented. the last time i had talked to her was via text message the evening before, by phone the day before that, and in person the night before that. i remember all of these interactions as if they were yesterday. i keep them in my pocket and i reach for them in the moments that i miss teresa the most. which is pretty much every second.

i have spent the last 365 days to accept that any of this makes sense. but it still doesn't and i doubt it ever will. every day when i wake up i wonder what it was like for teresa that morning to not wake up. did she know this was a possibility? i certainly did not. only after her death did i learn that otherwise healthy young people with epilepsy have a chance of dying from it. although, even to say someone died from their epilepsy is a stretch, because so little is known about it. SUDEP is just a generic name for a person with epilepsy dying for an unknown reason.

i have also spent the last year learning more about epilepsy and getting involved with an organization called cure. along with friends and family i planned a fundraiser in teresa's honor in september and we raised more than $10,000 for cure. i am extremely proud of this. but it doesn't help me reconcile teresa's death any better. hopefully teresa's birthday will become an annual event and will grow and her life and our memories of her will live on through her name and this cause.

last year i spent thanksgiving day with my cousins selecting photos to use for a slideshow of teresa's life. it was, perhaps, one of the saddest days of my life. aside from the day she died, the day of her funeral and most of the days since.
this year i will spend it with the same family but so much has changed. we have all changed. we're a sad bunch when we're in a room together. the frowns are out there, we miss her.

take a moment today to tell your loved ones just how much you love them. hug them. call them. text. whatever. remember that life is very short and the moments we have the ones we love are the most precious and fulfilling things in our lives.

remember teresa at 1000 memories.
follow @teresasbirthday on twitter for epilepsy and fundraiser information.
donate in teresa's name to cure.

movie monday.

2011-11-21T10:46:00.001-08:00

i saw the descendants yesterday and it was incredible. it will make you laugh, cry, and think. it was my first experience seeing a movie alone and i made some observations while i was sitting alone waiting for the movie to roll.
1. people are rude: just in general. but also, it was opening weekend for this movie and the theater was crowded yet people still sat with seats between them. your jacket and bag don't need their own seat. unless you bought two tickets you should not be holding one for no reason.
2. people are annoying: stop talking once the previews roll. maybe you don't care about them, but i do. and a lot of people around you probably do as well. i get there early to see the previews.
3. going to a movie alone meant i didn't have to share my popcorn or my candy. it was marvelous.
4. i saw this preview yesterday and it made me cry. i give you, we bought a zoo.

weekender

2011-11-14T20:04:00.001-08:00

this weekend was a busy one! joe and i rode our bikes to the east bay (we barted across the bay, of course) and i got tattooed by the magnificent je'. i have been wanting this candy conversation heart piece for years. originally i wanted it to say "u r cute" but "be kind" feels more timeless, and also, it's a good message. je' did another candy tattoo for me for my birthday a couple years back so it seemed only fitting for her to this one. i think it turned out really great. i love the shading and color, especially the blue-green outline. it was a quick job - 49 minutes, we know because i timed it!

i returned to the city and met up with lindsay and cathleen for some dancing. we saw yelle at the mezzanine. her music is so fresh and fun. and french! i have no clue what she's saying but the songs put me in the best mood.

on sunday i was treated by devan to an amazing brunch at prospect. and then i treated her to the movie like crazy. the movie is very good but definitely depressing. i was wiping tiny tears away throughout. i think it's a must-see.

on our way we stumbled upon this statue that i really loved. i did a little research and it turns out these bronze statues are all over the country. made by artist j. seward johnson the statues are just ordinary people doing ordinary things. i really love this one.

movie monday.

2011-11-14T10:25:00.001-08:00

i'm inspired by my friend sarah who posts a "foxy friday" update every week with a cute man. i'm going to start doing the same but with movie trailers that look fantastic. end of november/december is the best time for movies. the holidays bring out the a-listers, the tear-jerkers, and the awards hopefuls. check out today's and keep checking back. see you at the cinema!

carnage - december 16

extremely loud and incredibly close - january 20

followgram

2011-11-08T23:05:00.000-08:00

feeling left out because you don't have an iphone and can't use instagram?

well now you can follow my photos online!

happy lurking.

best of the internet.

2011-11-08T11:47:00.000-08:00

it's tuesday. it's going to be a long week. before you start to get stressed out over budgets and committee reports and agendas and organizing and rescheduling (or maybe those are just my stresses?) check out this great stuff below. laugh, cry, share!

i love the internet.

kitty city.

joseph gordon-levitt covering r.kelly. genius.

live-tweeting of a burger king break up.

new york magazine's gossip girl recap.

we've changed.

2011-11-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

j and i pulled up our sleeves and did some heavy lifting yesterday. we have a really large room so we decided to divide it up with this amazing bookshelf. the room feels even bigger now that it's like two separate spaces. because we're able to use both sides of the bookshelf now, as opposed to when it was against a wall, we are now able to fit even more stuff on it. we also have more wall space now, so we'll be doing some re-decorating in the near future. the cats are readjusting to the space but i think the consensus is that we're all very happy in our new little home.

ride with me.

2011-11-04T18:23:00.000-07:00

i picked up this lovely little bike at pacific bicycle last sunday.

i have to say that i couldn't have had a better experience buying a bike. the guys at pacific bicycle were knowledgeable, helpful and didn't try to up sell me. and yesterday when i had some trouble with my quick-release front wheel, they helped me take care of it with a phone tutorial.

if you're planning to pick up a bike in the future, definitely check them out.

my new bike is a women's specific giant avail 3. it has the skinniest tired i've ever been on so i'm still getting a used to it. the ride is completely different from my my cruiser but in all the best ways. i can ride uphill with ease and i'm not worried that my bikes will stop working.

i can't wait to take my first ride over the golden gate bridge.

dia de los muertos.

2011-11-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

it's ironic and fitting that the month of the november starts with the celebration of the day of the dead and is also epilepsy awareness month. almost a year ago my sister, teresa, died unexpectedly in her sleep after a seizure. i'm still trying to make sense of everything that happened then and has happened since.

one of the last times i saw my sister was last year for a halloween party, so naturally this year, i just didn't feel up to celebrating the holiday. i guess i want to keep teresa in my halloween memories as long as possible.

as november goes on it will be filled with many other lasts. the last time we saw each other, the last time we talked, the last text, phone call, gchat, email, the last laugh, it goes on and on because we were so intertwined in each other's lives that it was nearly impossible for a day to go by without some kind of interaction. and yet, somehow, 11 months have gone by.

11 months of anxiety and panic and heartbreak. a day doesn't pass when i'm not caught off guard by something that reminds me of teresa. and my heart sinks and have to remind myself to keep breathing. and as i think of her, and i think of my favorite memories of her, my eyes fill with water and i'm reminded that all i have left are the memories. this can happen anywhere - work, riding my bike, driving a car, riding the bus, walking, shopping, talking to someone else. it's almost paralyzing.

people will reconcile their sadness and grief in different ways. some people will say that teresa is with us always, that she is always here and they will feel better about her absence. but that doesn't ease my grief, it only escalates it. it frustrates me because i want her to be here with me.

i miss her so much.

to die by your side.

2011-10-20T22:54:00.001-07:00

is such a wonderful way to die.

Spike Jonze: Mourir Auprès de Toi on Nowness.com.

love & marriage: nicole & frank's wedding

2011-10-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

one of my best pals married her true love on saturday evening in a beautiful ranch wedding ceremony. the wedding was just before sunset in the most picturesque setting by a pond on a dude ranch. the ceremony concluded with a stampede of horses galloping away in the distance.

my date was alright:

bride & maid of (dis)honor

bffs!

kissing the night away.

i was honored to be a part of the wedding ceremony, as nicole's maid of honor, and i got to give my first wedding toast (i might be a pro at that)!

the short & sweet ceremony was followed by a great dinner in downtown quincy and more partying at the ranch saloon.

nicole & frank could not have a planned a better wedding. it fit them to a T. casual, fun and full of love. i'm so excited for these two and i'm so blessed to be a part of their lives.

because i was a part of the ceremony i didn't get to take many pictures but christine was acting as back up photog and i'll share some of her photos soon.

hops and yeast and beer, oh my!

2011-10-12T22:35:00.001-07:00

celebrated the ol' birthday a weekend early this year with a san francisco brewery tour. my favorite gals met me for lunch and we made our way around the city drinking brews and, well, getting drunk.

stop one: 21st amendment

beers sampled? all!

favorite? hell or high watermelon (pictured)

stop two: thirsty bear

beers sampled? meyer esb & reiyson (seasonal)

favorite? loved both!

we also got a tour of the little brewery and learned about the beer making process.

malt:

mill:

tank:

cooler:

delicious beer:

third stop: rouge ales

beers sampled? dead guy, buckman village seison, mc rogue scotch ale, xs imperial ysb

favorite: buckman village seison

fourth stop: jasper's corner tap

beers sampled? not sure (after all that beer, i'm lucky i made it there)

it turns out by the end of the night i stopped taking pictures of my drinks, but someone snapped a great group shot and i was given the most amazing piece of cake.

the shrimp roll and mac n cheese i shared with my mom for dinner were fantastic as well!

i knew this year my birthday would be hard and i felt so lucky to spend the day with some of the best friends a gal could ask for.

my sf beer search is hardly over, though. i need to check out speakeasy, the city beer store, magnolia dogpatch (not open yet), suppenkuche's biergarten, and many more spots yet to be found.

join me!

a single send off.

2011-10-04T23:13:00.000-07:00

spent the weekend celebrating the upcoming wedding of one of my oldest and best friends, nicole. we've been little weirdos, causing trouble since we met in seventh grade, and although we're a little older now, not much has changed.

i'm so excited to send nicole off into married life and i absolutely adore the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with, but we needed a little us time before that could happen.

we hopped in her brother's '66 mustang convertible and hit the road to napa for wining and dining.

cheers to the bride at jessup cellars.

gorgeous blue sky at hegafen cellars.

group shot in our limo van!

so much swirling at dominari.

dinner at t. flo's rotisserie & wine.

yum.

bacon wrapped monkfish. yep.

congrats nicole!

i cannot wait for nicole & frank's wedding.

they're tying the knot on october 15 at the greenhorn creek quest ranch.

se joindre à moi au cinéma

2011-10-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

french cinema now is the san francisco film society's french fall film screening event!

i'm learning french so this sounds like the perfect mix of business and pleasure.

i have tickets to see the kid with a bike and beautiful lies.

que voulez-vous envie de regarder?

welcome to the world, lil lady.

2011-09-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

my older sister robyn had the most beautiful baby girl, elizabeth.

born august 26, 2011 at 9:10 am

moses lake, washington

9 lbs, 13 oz., 20.5 inches

onesie: if you think i'm cute, you should my aunt!

surprisingly, i didn't buy this, so thanks to whoever did.

happy mama and hungry baby.

he was begging for a baby by the end of the weekend.

grandpa and elizabeth.

someone was definitely missing, but it was a special moment for the walsh ladies.

cooking at home: meat & potatoes

2011-09-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

skirt steak - rubbed with salt, peper, and fresh garlic

dinner ingredients: skirt steak, potatoes, mushrooms, swiss cheese,

lemons, parsley, olive oil, garlic, dill, salt, pepper

roasted potatoes with lemon and dill:

cut potatoes, lemons, and dill, toss in 2 tablespoons of olive oil with salt & pepper

heat at 450 for 35 minutes

seared skirt steak with mushroom salad

toss mushrooms in fresh lemon juice from 3 lemons with

1 cup shredded swiss, fresh parsley, salt & pepper

grill steak in 1 tablespoon olive oil for 7-8 minutes on each side (for medium well)

and enjoy!

my first attempt at cooking a steak turned out really well.

normally i cook for a veggiesaurus so i really enjoyed making my own steak dinner at home.

i need to move to england.

2011-09-06T21:49:00.000-07:00

simply for the shopping.

i'm completely over buying clothing from american companies.

there are so many amazing cloothing companies based out of the uk.

looking for fun, hip clothes for the weekend, a great date or a fun night out?

try miss selfridge.

i just bought this fantastic dress for an upcoming wedding!

looking for something clean and tailored to wear to work?

try boden!

looking for a little bit of everything that everyone else won't have?

try asos!

anyone want to take a trip across the pond for some serious shopping with me?

any online shopping secrets you care to share?

sightglass.

2011-08-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

i finally got to try sightglass coffee today and it was worth all the hype!

it was delicious (i had a cup of costa rican), the staff was super friendly and happy to talk coffee (of course).

the space is open and airy, in an industrial setting with space for sitting in a window, working on a counter or just standing around chatting.

have a cup: 7th & folsom, soma.

love & marriage: christina & zach's wedding

2011-08-28T20:19:00.000-07:00

my friend's christina (kiki) and zach tied the knot yesterday in a beautiful, suset, backyard ceremony. with a backdrop of mt. diablo and surrounded by an intimate group of family & friends, they exchanged some of the most beautiful vows i've ever heard.

the ceremony was held in zach's parents backyard and was decorated with beautiful lights, lots of yellow & grey, and a lot of really amazing dyi touches. from the books on the tables to the homemade photo backdrop complete with frame props, the wedding was super original, fun and absolutely gorgeous.

quote of the day: new baby edition

2011-08-26T09:49:00.001-07:00

preface: my older sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl this morning. elizabeth don, born at 9:19 am.
i shared the news with our cousin.

pgillen1986: Wait...the babies middle name is "Don"
not "Dawn"
me: yes
pgillen1986: ?
me: it was my suggestion!
haha
she's named after a man, therefore spelled like a man
pgillen1986: lol
You remember this when this girl is like 16 and blames you for having a mans name for a middle name
me: it's eccentric, she'll probs ride a fixie and listen to post post shoegaze on vinyl only
pgillen1986: hahahahaha
one can only dream

cooking at home: asparagus & ricotta pizza

2011-08-16T22:11:00.001-07:00

tj's pizza dough

asparagus cut in quarters, 5 gloves of garlic, crimini mushrooms thinly sliced

olive oil, salt and paper

tossed

pizza dough brushed with olive oil, covered with veggies,

fresh parmesan & ricotta cheese

oven baked for 30 minutes

topped with arugula tossed in fresh lemon, salt & pepper

i made this real simple magazine pizza recipe tonight and it turned out absolutely perfectly. i think the key was that i followed the pizza dough instructions and that led to really great crust. as always, i added way more garlic than called for, but i'm pretty sure there's never enough. the lemon tossed cold arugula on top gave the pizza the perfect flavor kick. i'll definitely make this again.

must see: like crazy

2011-08-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

i first read about like crazy during sundance this year. i always keep my eye's peeled for whatever is a big hit during the festival. this movie was a huge crowd pleaser and the story sounded really sweet. i've also been a big fan of anton yelchin since alpha dog. and he keeps getting cuter and cuter. grab a tissue and check out the trailer, see you at the theater!

stars they're just like us: whispering pines edition

2011-08-07T19:42:00.001-07:00

stars: they're just like us...

location: whispering pines, ca

paparazzi: m & e

decision: jeffrey campbell

2011-08-01T21:00:00.001-07:00

jc's lita (bottom) vs. fairlane (top)

i've tried on the lita and it's really comfortable, but i am digging the low calf on the fairlane.

it's so hard to decide but i really can't buy both, because:

1. they're too similar and 2. they're very expensive.

which would you choose?

a tastier take on wine.

2011-07-31T20:51:00.000-07:00

if you love wine, think you like wine or want to like wine, you'll want to check out this app.
started by a fabulous group of san francisco wine aficionados, swirl it! allows you to log wines that you taste. you can either "swirl it" or "spit it" and then it makes recommendations to you based on your own palate preferences.

swirl it! is currently in beta testing and i am lucky enough to be a part of the test group. i'll keep you posted on the official launch. stay tuned!

follow swirl it! on twitter
like swirl it! on facebook

teresa's birthday

2011-07-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

teresa would have celebrated her 25th birthday on september 15.

join me in honoring her memory and her life.

make a donation to cure.

this is my bummer.

2011-07-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

a beautiful san francisco day spent working outside turned into an ugly burn.

whoops!

they say it's your birthday.

2011-07-15T08:21:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to you!

my birthday wishes for lucia on her 26th birthday:

1. lose 100 lbs

2. get and drink 100 negra modelos

3. find you a man (because we NEED to)

i'm raising a glass of champagne to you (at 8:30 am): cheers! all my best for a wonderful year. love you babeeeeeeeeeeeee.

miles from normal.

2011-07-12T14:08:00.000-07:00

downtown coulee city. 2 restaurant/bars, 1 run down unopened hotel, a john deer store and about 10 different churches.

laurent's sun village, a cabin & rv resort on blue lake in coulee city.

dry falls, once the greatest waterfall in the world.

robyn, mom and me in our cabin at laurent's.

robyn and tim in their little coulee city home.

my mom and i made a trek to coulee city, washington last weekend to visit my older sister. we hadn't seen each other since christmas of 2009. i was a little nervous and anxious to see her, we haven't always seen eye to eye and she's had a very different life from me. a little over a year ago she moved to coulee to start over and she's really made a great life for herself there. i feel pretty proud of her.

my sis and her boyf are expecting a little girl next month so we went up for her baby shower. it was a really nice weekend. the area they live in, although miles from anything, is really beautiful. it's all lakes and trees and quiet. the people are sweet and there's a really great sense of community.

i'm excited for little elizabeth don to greet the world. and i'm so happy she'll have such a nice place to call home.

cooking at home: falafel pitas

2011-07-07T08:31:00.000-07:00

these falafel pitas came out way better than expected for our first time making them. there's not really a lot of cooking involved the way j and i made them. the falafel came from TJ's in the frozen section and was really delicious. the rest was just produce, hummus and pita bread.

after a long debate about the best way to use the pita we cut them in half as seen above (j won, i wanted to stuff and roll them).

what you need: hummus (we used tj's mediterranean, but i'm sure it's good with what you like), cucumber, cherry tomatoes, red onion, romaine lettuce, avocado, falafel and pita.

directions:

1. heat falafel per instructions (if you use tj's then it needs a little bit longer than the package indicates, although probably depending on your oven)

2. cut up produce, cut pita bread in halves

3. spread hummus all over the inside of each pita half

4. stuff with your preferred mixin's

5. enjoy!

so good for you.

2011-07-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

i recently started using this kiehl's masque and my skin has never felt better.

i've also never had as many compliments on my complexion.

directions: wash face, use twice a week, look and feel great!

eureka!

2011-07-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

lost coast brewery

so many samps.

store front window in downtown eureka.

tsunami warning. (scary!)

took a little road trip up the 101 this weekend to visit d's sister in humboldt county. we were greeted by a great BBQ at her house and we pretty much ate and drank our way through the weekend. we went to lost coast and six rivers brewery, stopped off at the beach in trinidad (for like 10 minutes, but it counts) and got a little crazy at the shanty. we had so many ridiculous laughs and so much good food. i loved the adorable downtown square area of arcata that looks like it came right out of small town america movie set. aside from a creepy dutch girl the weekend was such a great trip and i can't wait for my next little road trip. hopefully it's on a whim.

tales of the city.

2011-06-30T22:23:00.001-07:00

tales of the city

american conservatory theater, san francisco

i saw tales of the city last night and it was absolutely fantastic. the songs (written by scissor sisters' jake shears) the music, the dancing, the liveliness, the story, it's all so exciting.

of course it totally glamorizes sf in the 1970s and the sex, drugs and disco that was a way of life for so many. i love all of the references to places and things that are famous in san francisco. i feel like part of a really club because i get it.

i really enjoyed the coming of age part of the story. figuring out who you want to be, what you do and don't want to do and what the important causes are that you stand for.

it makes you realize that although all generations have their differences, we really go through the same things. especially the trials and tribulations of people young and old trying to make it in this crazy, beautiful town of ours.

summer love.

2011-06-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

i can't wait for these sweet sandals to be on my feet in a few days.

thanks sam edelman.

weekender.

2011-06-26T21:24:00.001-07:00

summer has come to san francisco. it has been warm and beautiful out and i've really been trying to make the most of it. this week was pretty rough emotionally as it was the one year anniversary of the death of my friend, jill costello. thinking about her death and everything that happened over the last year, its hard to stomach the reality of everything. on tuesday we went to a fundraiser put on by a group of jill's friends to raise money for lung cancer research. it was so nice to see everyone out supporting jill's cause, especially her parents and family.

my new job has been treating me really great and it seems like there is so much room there for me to find happiness in my work. it's a lot more work than has been expected of me in the past. because the expectations are higher i find myself at work before i need to be there and working late pretty often to get everything done. but i want to. for a long time i've envied my friend d for loving her job so much that she's willing to dedicate a lot of time to it and i wished that i could find something like that. i don't know if i've completely found that yet, but i'm not miserable working hard and being there long hours either.

after the long week i spent friday happy hour at rebel, supporting my friend tom and the organization shanti cares at their pride kick off fundraiser. the fundraiser was successful and pride weekend turned out to be really great because ny state legalized same sex marriage. hopefully the rest of the country will follow suit soon. it's so upsetting and ridiculous that it's even an issue.

saturday joe and i went on a night ride around the marina and ended up at the palace of fine arts, as if i'm not there enough.

we took a ride down to santa cruz on today and spent the day on the boardwalk. we had a really fun time going on painful, old rides, bowling and playing mini-golf. not to mention we had pineapple whip floats (!) something i thought you could only find at the tiki room in disneyland.

(i had to buy socks to go bowling, so glad i got these)

needless to say, i've been busy. my summer schedule isn't letting up either. but i think it's best for me right now because summer is really hard without teresa and being busy and distracted takes away from time spent wallowing. i miss her a lot. all of these fun things i do i wish i could tell her about and share with her. it's hard and it hasn't really changed at all over the last 7 months. but i'm really trying to be positive and have fun because that's what teresa would do.

like father, like daughter.

2011-06-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

me & d. june 2011.

why aren't you watching? pretty little liars!

2011-06-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

(photo courtesy of abc family)

got a secret can you keep it?

i would argue that pretty little liars is the best show on tv right now. granted, it's summer and of course a little abc family show can't compete with the big boys, but it kinda is. if you're unfamiliar with the show's story it's about 4 friends who go there separate ways after their queen bee goes missing. when her body is found a year later the girls reunite. they start receiving cryptic text messages and notes around town from someone named "A" and the mystery unravels from there. and it's pretty suspenseful. my weekly tradition with devan is to watch this show over some dinner and gasp at every surprise and yell things at the tv like "oh my god, who IS A?"

when i go to google and start typing 'pretty' the first thing that comes up is this show and with good reason. here are the top 4 reasons you should start watching pretty little liars right now:

1. the suspension of disbelief: this show's corporate sponsor is verizon, these girls all carry verizon cell phones and yet they can't figure out who 'A' is or where 'A' is calling/texting from. it's like smartphones never happened in rosewood. here is a great quote from tuesday's episode (and i'm paraphrasing): "i wish we knew how long he's been texting her and what he's been saying." as if they can't look through the text history.

2. their clothes: these girls are supposed to be 16/17 but they dress like they're on sex & the city. they wear heels to high school, carry purses instead of backpacks and get in trouble shop lifting chanel sunglasses from the mall. they all fit a very specific type: aria: fashion risk taker, spencer: the prep, hannah: the trendsetter/label whore, and emily: the tomboy/jock who dresses up sometimes and everyone is surprised by how beautiful she looks.

3. the plot twists: one thing i really love about the show is that the writers continually say that they haven't decided who 'A' is. they are able to manipulate the story any way they want to so that one minute you think you've figured it out and the next minute that person is falling down dead in a bell tower. but is he dead? no one knows!

4. the intrigue: these girls have so many secrets and they live really adult lives. one of them is dating a teacher, one is a lesbian, one stole her sister's A+ paper and plagiarized it. there queen bees, wanna bees, murder, death, teenage sex, eating disorders, drinking, bullying, car accidents, weekend getaways, cheating, lies, deceit and they're in high school.

between the murder, accidents, torrid love affairs, lies and incest this show is basically like game of thrones for the tween girl set. so of course i love it!

SF: Soda Free

2011-06-22T08:29:00.000-07:00

as i have previously mentioned soda makes you really fat. i stopped buying and drinking soda years ago and i really don't miss it. in college i over indulged on diet coke when i was out at bars or hungover the next day. i still enjoy a nice root beer or 7 up every once in a while but if you're thirsty you should be grabbing a glass a water not a 16 oz. coke. and diet coke still makes you fat, i don't care if it has zero calories.

this summer the mayor is kicking off our fifth soda free summer to encourage people to make healthier choices. i couldn't agree with ed more.

for more information about soda free summer check out shape up san francisco.org.

"San Francisco is fortunate to have pristine tap water from Hetch Hetchy that is among the cleanest and best tasting in the world," said Mayor Lee. "This summer, I encourage everyone to rethink choosing sugary drinks and rehydrate with clean, refreshing tap water."

stay cool.

2011-06-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is officially summer in san francisco and we're getting a little heat wave to prove it. san franciscans love to complain about the weather so i'm sure everyone will take to twitter and facebook to gripe about how hot it is. and then a week later when the heat subsides and we go back to our ultra cool foggy summer, the complaining will commence again.

in the meantime, while we're taking advantage of the beautiful weather, here are some ways to keep it cool in san francisco:

-find an air conditioned bar and stay there all day. get so drunk you don't realize how hot it is outside.

-get an overpriced gym membership at the bay club so you can soak one of their two pools.

- bring a baby pool out to the sidewalk and dazzle tourist passerby with your ingenious urban ways.

-theater hop at the amc van ness. realize your only options are sequels to movies you haven't seen. take a nap.

-go to baker beach/crissy field to "swim" but never get near the water. also, complain about how crowded it is.

- wear the least amount of clothes you can get away with, which here, is pretty much nothing.

- try to find parking, it takes forever and you can enjoy the a/c in your car while you're at it.

good luck out there friends.

father's day.

2011-06-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

every father's day weekend of my life i've been with my family and our friends at whispering pines on cobb mountain. it's a tradition that i'm proud to be a part of and that holds a very special place in my heart. this year was no exception, aside from the fact that my heart has a huge hole in it and i missed teresa so much. she always loved our whispering pines august trip more but usually made it up for at least the night and if i whined enough, two nights. and we would share a room and stay up late drinking white wine spritzers and laughing hysterically. we would lay by the pool and play pedro and our life horoscope card game. she always ended up "marrying" someone she was not into. and we loved to go down to the deli and indulge in a delicious sandwich (it should be noted that the deli has closed since august, which means my last sandwich from there was with teresa and that gives me some weird happiness). my father's day has never been about dad, not that i don't love and adore him, but especially over the last few years, when we were at different points in our lives, that weekend was a fun time for us to be together and be lazy, two of our favorite things.

this year as we were surrounded by a very beautiful candle light vigil on our cabin deck it really sunk in that she is gone and that vacation will never be what it once was. it was also ridiculously moving that our friends came together to show us their love and support through this terrible time.

the cabin, the pool, the pines, they just felt different this year. they felt empty. of course i'll plan to go back every june and august because it's a part of my life, but it will never be the same. i have so many memories of being with teresa at the pines and i will cherish them forever but the memories don't compare to the joy that i had with my sister and our parents playing a card game at sunset on our cabin deck.

live from my couch.

2011-06-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

i bought a new laptop and it has a webcam! i have always wanted a webcam, i have no real use for it except for taking pictures of myself with funny icons, but then, i have no real use for a lot of the things i think i need/want.

the purpose of the new laptop was to start writing again. or writing more, rather. you see, i spend all day at a computer so i don't really want to come home and spend all night at my computer. my desk top computer! but now i can compute while sex & the city plays in the background from the comfort of my couch.

not that i plan to neglect my desktop. that thing holds a terabyte of space, it has like a million songs on it, way more than this new lil guy would hold, plus it holds all of my photos and it networks with my new laptop with the click of a button. i'm basically having a threesome with my new computer and my old. when i'm feeling really spicy i'll through in my iphone.

until then, and i know i've said this quite a bit recently, you can expect to hear from me more here and on my other blog: yaynayorokay.

the great pacific northwest.

2011-05-31T22:03:00.000-07:00

the gorgeous seattle skyline

cool mural at varro bar in capital hill

glassybaby studio and store in medrona

the locks - where salt water meets freshwater

the family style dinner at staple & fancy, ballard

the world famous public market

sleepless in seattle

spring whites flight at tasting room, downtown

troll under the bridge in fremont

weird statues celebrating memorial day, fremont

west on the sundial at gasworks park

i was lucky enough to tour seattle this weekend and i pretty much fell in love. it's gorgeous, it's green and, lucky for us, it didn't rain once.

the food and drink situation up there is out of control. there is so much to choose from and it's all local and sustainable. i think i saw one fast food place the entire time i was there. every place we went was super accommodating, they fit us in when we showed up with extra people and split tabs without hesitation. in fact, splitting the tab was offered almost everywhere. amazing.

everything in seattle was pretty and clean. except for the snake loving freak sitting on a garbage can.

i can't wait to go back. big thanks to nd for hosting and tour guiding!

check out more pictures from my trip on my flickr. and an awesome video of a sturgeon surgeon on my vimeo.

feed me.

2011-05-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

i am in love with this interactive "food subway map."

extremely helpful in keeping the important food peeps straight.

and it's available as a poster. pretty sure my kitchen needs this!

happy mother's day!

2011-05-08T10:26:00.001-07:00

thank you for laughing at all of my jokes.

i love you.

smell ya later.

2011-05-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

only one week left of this bingo card being my 40 hours a week.

my love/hate relationship with the tl is about to get a lot lovelier once i'm not here everyday.

mamma needs a new pair of shoes.

2011-05-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

i just fell in love.

thank you sam edelman.

good boy.

2011-04-25T11:57:00.000-07:00

i cannot wait for this new tv show starring elijah wood.

he looks great and this show seems hilariously awesome.

king & queen of america

2011-04-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

LOVE.

priceless.

2011-04-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

spinning in a teacup at disneyland with two of my best friends?

couldn't ask for a whole lot more.

mr. blue sky

2011-03-31T09:50:00.000-07:00

my legs are bare. my toes are peepin'. it's opening day at the ballpark. it's finally here.

i know we probably still have some rain that will come our way but the last couple days of sun have changed my outlook so much. i wake up and i just feel better. i'm pretty sure that along with my grief i've also been suffering from SAD. i don't do well in the gloom of winter and this winter has been the hardest of my life.

i know summer will come with sadness. for the most part, over the last few years, summer is the time that teresa and i were able to spend the most time together. most of my favorite memories involve the swimming pool in our back yard or the one at whispering pines. and while i'm certain this summer will be harder than any other, at least the sun will be shining. i feel like even with all of the sadness surrounding this year, i still have something to look forward to.

grown ocean.

2011-03-30T10:25:00.000-07:00

fleet foxes.

helplessness blues.

don't do it.

2011-03-29T09:33:00.000-07:00

yesterday at the gym i saw someone i recognized, realized it was a friend of a friend and decided i should say hello. until i realized this person was wearing flip flops. in the gym. on a machine. i then realized i didn't want to have anything to do with this person. i can't take anyone seriously at the gym who has flip flops on. what are they even doing there. i'm pretty sure at my gym it's a rule that you have to have shoes on, but this persons pants were covering their flip flops so it was hard to tell. i have three major pet peeves at the gym. in no particular order as they're all equally bad:

1. flip flops - i think i said enough about this subject already. anyone wearing flip flops isn't taking it seriously. they deserve to have a 50 lb weight dropped on their foot. if you're not poolside or walking to your yoga class, flip flops are a big fat "no."

2. cell phones - luckily cell phones are prohibited at my gym, even in the locker room. this is actually one of the reasons i was so stoked to get an overpriced membership at this gym. nothing is more annoying than someone on a cell phone on the elliptical machine i want to use. if you're on your cell phone you're not working hard enough and you're wasting my time and yours. the only person who should be on the receiving end of your breathless panting is whoever you're in bed with.

3. jeans - people in jeans are disgusting. are you going to work out and then just leave with your sweaty jeans on? gross. how do you even get good movement with jeans on? and no, jeggings are not acceptable either.

why even go to the gym if you're not going to put your all into a workout? it's not like gyms are a cool place to hang out. you're wasting your time and by sitting around in flip flops or your cell phone on equipment i could be using, you're wasting my time. rude.

cherish the moments.

2011-03-28T16:05:00.000-07:00

tbird, pill, ap, and me

circa august 2003

onward.

2011-03-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

"how time can move both fast and slow amazes me" - bright eyes

i really miss teresa. duh. but i'm trying to move past my depression, adjust and come to terms with the fact that i had a really great life with her and that mine has to go on. but it's not easy and i still feel like i will never be able to move on. the one thing i do more than anything else lately is think about everything i would tell teresa if she could come back. and sometimes i put it in my head that she will and this is all some crazy, elaborate scheme and that one day i'll open the door and there she will be. and then i have to snap out of it, remember that i will never have that, and move on. but it's hard to move on when you're stuck. it's probably normal for someone grieving to think they can will someone back to life or wish them back or somehow magically make them reappear, so i know i'm not being crazy but i also know that i have to stop.

lately i find myself thinking about how much teresa would appreciate something i'm doing or how much she would laugh at a joke or something on tv and it makes me happy. i finally feel happy thinking about all the little things that made up our relationship. i'll never have a bond with anyone the way i did with teresa and i want to hold on to that. the more time that goes by the further i feel from her and that scares me.

on my mind.

2011-02-20T13:37:00.001-08:00

no lies, just love

2011-02-13T20:57:00.000-08:00

when people ask how i'm doing or they ask how my parents are doing i really have no clue what to say. i'm not sure if people ask just so they feel like they're "checking up on me" or if they want a real genuine answer. to be honest, i'm miserable. so it's a really hard question to answer. of course some days i feel better than i do others, but ultimately, i'm just sad and miserable trying to adjust to a void in my life. if i seem distant it's because i don't know what to do with myself right now. if i seem mad or annoyed with you, i'm likely not. i'm mad at everything. it's not you, it's the world. if i seem quiet it's because i'm in my head with some thought of teresa, either some great memory or some feeling of loss or another realization of my new life. if it seems like i don't want to see you or like i'm making up some excuse for why i can't hang out it's only because i need to be alone, it's never an excuse though. i love all of my friends. i just miss my best friend, my sister.

the last few months have been a slowly passing blur. i'm trying to cope but it feels impossible. when every little thing reminds you of someone how can you be expected to move on? i still want to cry all the time and, while it's getting easier to control it, i pretty much still do. i haven't worn mascara in almost 3 months because it seems like such a waste for it to just smear on my face. i've been impulsively buying things because i have some small amount of hope that maybe the things will make me feel better. they do, for a few moments, but even new things remind me of her and the fact that i can't share them with her. i'm trying to plan things to keep me distracted and give me something to look forward to, but once they're happening i wish she were there or that i could tell her about it later.

everyone keeps saying she'll always be with me but when you miss someone this much, those words mean very little. of course i know she'll always be with me in my heart but it's very different than being here physically to talk to and laugh with. i don't know when the idea of her being here with me will ever give me comfort, but i guess as time goes on it will.

hello from sf!

2011-02-13T14:13:00.001-08:00

i finally made some new cards. my motivation has been pretty limited lately but i am happy with these. the stamps came from yellow owl workshop, a really cool design company in san francisco.

identity crisis.

2011-02-01T11:33:00.000-08:00

I’m having an identity crisis. I didn’t expect this to happen to me, again, at 27. I have always thought I pretty much had everything figured out. Often I would wonder how I would get from point a to point b. How I would reach my goals. How I could improve myself. But it always seemed like I knew what I wanted.

Recently, that has changed. Teresa’s passing has changed me. It’s hard to explain how influential she was on my life. Clearly we were similar and we liked the same things, but I’ve been reflecting on myself and my life the last couple months and I’ve realized that I am who I am because of Teresa. I was eager to do things so that I could share them with her. I wanted to be cool, smart, social, and funny so that I could be a good influence on her. Now, I feel like I’m a different person because I’ve lost a huge part of myself. I have figure out who I want to be in a world without her.

I don’t get the same joy out of most things that I used to. I realize, from my own hopes and also with the help of a couple of very nice counselors, that this will change. The joy that I once got from life will return. I’m not worried about when because I’m taking the time to grieve. I know that if I don’t it won’t be beneficial to me later. Grieving, being sad, and not knowing what to do with myself are changing my perspective on everything.

During this process I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. I’m ok with that. I am reassessing everything that is important in my life. I have learned who my friends are, how I want to treat people, how I want to be treated and that sometimes you have to let go. People have been absent from my life that I expected to be there for me and that’s been really hard. It’s also been a learning experience.

I guess, ultimately, Teresa is teaching me a lot about myself that I never would have thought about or cared about before and I wish every moment of every day that I could thank her for that.

sleepless in san francisco

2011-01-05T23:32:00.000-08:00

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

in the new year.

2011-01-01T10:33:00.001-08:00

my heart's in the strangest place

that's how it started

and that's how it ends

and i know you're with me

little bird.

2010-12-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

the eels.

Little bird

Hoppin' on my porch

I know it sounds kinda sad

But what's it all for?

Right now you're the only friend I have in the world

And I just can't take out very much

Goddamn

I miss that girl

Little bird

You look all right

I'm sure it's not easy

Gettin' through your night

So tell me this can't be how it's gonna end

Tell me my heart

Somehow

Dear God

Is gonna mend

Little bird

I guess you're right

Can't let her take me out

Without a fight

But right now I can't see making sense of this world

I just can't take out very much

Goddamn

I miss that girl

christmiss.

2010-12-27T09:24:00.000-08:00

my parents and i packed up the car and headed out of town this weekend because the idea of being at home on christmas was just too much. we made it through the holiday and now we don't have to think about that again for a while. teresa and i really love christmas, most people do, of course, but we really do. a combination of being spoiled, loving our family and throwing a really fun christmas party helped make this season our mutual favorite. this december was not easy. no day is, but the last month was just awful and i still can't imagine feeling better. i know that it's possible but i'm very discouraged.

i haven't been dreaming about her. a lot of people have told me that they have had dreams of teresa, really wonderful dreams, and i've had, like, two. dreams are weird and they're different for everyone so i know i can't worry about such a thing but i was starting to feel like i was doing something wrong. but she was in my dream last night and in the dream she knew that she was sick and that she wouldn't live much longer. she was sad, she wasn't herself. i tried to console her. we were having a family party and she was in the kitchen cooking and having a good time but when she finished she was sad again. i woke up and realized that her unexpected death, although frustrating, is better than if she had known. she would not have been the same person if she had known that this would happen and i took comfort in that for a few moments.

teresa has also taught me that you can't assume anything will happen at any time. on christmas i was feeling miserable but realized that maybe next christmas we'll miss her but we'll be in a better place. how can any of us know what life will be like in a year. and feeling better won't mean that we miss her any less. i know that she would hate to see her loved ones miserable.

thinking of you.

2010-12-20T09:44:00.000-08:00

there's a beautiful sky tonight and if you were by my side then we could share but you're gone. so come at with your moon and burn me in the stars cause nothing matters any more.

how to deal.

2010-12-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

it's been three weeks. the three longest weeks of my life. and i know that it only gets harder from here. everyday i wake up and think the same thing and then have the terrible realization that i can't wake up in the past and that she really is gone. and i'm just not sure how anyone is supposed to move forward from something like this. my heart literally aches sometimes. and when it's not my heart i have this sinking feeling in my stomach, the feeling you get when you're really scared. and when i don't feel scared i just feel weak.

on saturday over lunch with jordan she asked what i do to feel better. my response? "i don't." i'm not sure i'll ever feel better. maybe i'll cope with this. maybe i'll wake up and i'll know she's gone and i won't feel an overwhelming sense of weight on my heart and i won't feel this sadness. how do you ever find comfort in the absence of something you always relied on for that very thing?

lately i've been in my head a lot with a million different thoughts running through it all at once, yet i try to vocalize anything, any thought or feeling, and i can't. my parents and i decided to see a counselor and we went yesterday to our first session and as i sat on the couch and listened to my parents, my heart broke even more. and every time i wanted to say anything i was unable to find the words. to even describe what i feel right now would be impossible. how do you describe the most devastating thing you've ever experienced with anything but tears?

most of the day i'm just distracted by thoughts of teresa. our last conversation. that last hug when she left megan's birthday party the last time i saw her. the last thing we laughed about. the last plan we made. and i just think of all of those moments and how insignificant they seemed at the time. and now they're all i have. that last hug will be with me forever. when i'm not thinking of the moments and memories we shared i am plagued by thoughts of a future without my sister and my best friend. how will i find joy in a life without her?

these are all questions that no one has the answer to. every loss is different.

people who have experienced a great loss like this will give advice and comforting words and tell you that eventually you'll find the strength to move on, but no one has experienced what i am. every relationship is different, every feeling is unique.

i still can't believe she is gone.

t.

2010-12-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

Last week in the early morning of November 23 my beautiful sister Teresa passed away in her sleep. She lived for 24 years, 2 months, and 8 days. My parents and I believe the death was caused by severe trauma suffered during an epileptic seizure. And just like that, my whole world changed.

Teresa wasn’t just my younger sister, she was my best friend. People have said how lucky we were to have such a strong bond, but like any relationship, that bond took a lot of work. We argued often, disagreed and said things to each other that you could only say to someone that you knew would come back. More so than we would argue we would laugh. We would laugh about everything and at anyone. I think we shared more laughs together in her short 24 years than some people do in a long lifetime. We were blessed with wicked senses of humor and luckily, we found the same things funny. Often Teresa would mouth funny and inappropriate things to me from across the dinner table and we would bust up laughing only to have our mom say “what’s so funny?” and we would reply “nothing”. Friends have often referred to Teresa as my mini me. I always liked to describe her as the smaller, cuter, nicer version of me. Either way, the resemblance is strong and that is something I will have for the rest of my life. It’s been hard though, to look in the mirror, and not think of her and all the times we would dress as twins and even try to convince people that we had never met that we were in fact twins. No one ever believed us because we couldn’t get through a sentence without laughing. I watched as she grew up into the beautiful woman that she was and I tried to give her my best advice in any situation. I wanted to be her friend but being the best older sister I could possibly be was priority number one.

Not a moment and I mean literally not a single second goes by that Teresa is not on my mind. She was already in my thoughts often as everything I did I wanted to share with her. For the last couple of years we talked nearly every day by text message, IM, facebook and often by the 2 am phone calls that we all adjusted to receiving. I am grateful to technology now in a way I never was before. We have 4 years of facebook wall-to-wall conversation saved forever on the internet. To others it must have seemed like we were speaking in code because I look back on some of our conversations and I’m not even sure what we were talking about.

I know that Teresa will be with me in spirit and in my heart for the rest of my life but I want her to be here. It’s not just that we had a million plans to do a million different things together, it’s that I feel incomplete without her. We were there for each other during some very emotional and very difficult situations. We grew to have such a great bond because we relied on each other to be there for the other when other people were not there for us. In a sense I feel like a part of my strength is gone and I don’t know how I will regain it. I want to be strong for her and I want to do the things I always said I would because I know that is what she would have wanted. If she’s not here to tell my stories to I feel like there is no point in doing anything.

They say time heals the pain but I can’t imagine this hole in my heart could ever be filled.

Without Teresa taco bell doesn’t taste as delicious, anchorman isn’t as funny, saves the day doesn’t sound as sweet and my life will never be as good.

happy birthday haiku for you, mom.

2010-11-22T10:43:00.000-08:00

good margarita

you deserve on your birthday

let's celebrate now

happy birthday mom!

cooking at home: zucchini cakes

2010-11-21T23:08:00.001-08:00

i've made zucchini cakes about a hundred times now so i feel like i've really figured out the best recipe. i got the original recipe and idea from allrecipes.com and then later saw that the barefoot contessa has her own version. this is my version.

depending on how many cakes you want will determine how many zucchinis to use. i figured out that it's pretty much three per squash. for this particular batch i used 5 medium sized zucchinis and it made about 16 cakes.

1. shred zucchinis and pat dry with paper towel, chop 1/2 red onion & garlic (use your discretion, i like a lot so i used 6 or 7 cloves). mix all together in a large bowl.

2. shred 1/2 block of mozzarella cheese (about 1 cup), add to bowl.

3. add 3 beaten eggs, 1/2 cup flour, 1/2 cup breadcrumbs (type and brand do not matter)

4. mix everything together in bowl using your hands (make sure they're very clean!)

5. heat oil (vegetable is best) on medium in large pan. amount of oil varies per pan. it shouldn't cover the cakes.

6. by spoon or hand place balls of zucchini batter into pan and lightly flatten with spatula. once golden brown on each side the cakes are ready. *frying time varies, about 3 to 4 minutes on each side in my experience

7. place on paper towel to soak up any excess oil.

8. enjoy!

book of the month club.

2010-11-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

my dear friend craig made me this accordian picture book thingie for my birthday.

it's completely hand made and completely awesome.

pretty much wish i could live in the picture.

shop 'til you drop.

2010-11-19T10:58:00.001-08:00

google just launched a new site called boutiques.com that is basically a personal shopper at the click of the mouse. to get started you go through a series of photos from fashion shows and celebs and you choose which is more likely to be your style. it then calculates what you like most and gives you suggestions for how you would describe your style. in my case i chose casual chic. then you are able to save your preferences on sizes, colors, patterns, and styles, and brands and it pulls suggestions from all over the web and gives them to you in one easy to use place. you can then make your own personalized preference about whether you love or hate an item based on different factors like style, color, price, etc. the site is currently in beta and it seems like they have a lot of kinks to work out but i'm really into this one stop shopping format.

once you see something you like? click and it takes you to the site you can buy it from!

suggestions: ability to buy directly from this site so you don't have to open an account on every shopping site this one links to, don't suggest items that are currently out of stock, add accessories like sunglasses and jewelry.

necessary.

2010-11-18T11:34:00.000-08:00

not only are these kate spade gloves super cute, they're super handy. (pun intended)

anyone who has ever asked me for directions in a car knows that i can't remember left from right.

i don't just want these, i need them. for your sake and mine!

doodle.

2010-11-09T16:30:00.000-08:00

this is from an adorable blog of inspiration and wisdom. and really awesome handwriting.

the notebook doodles.

destiny.

2010-11-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

photo courtesy of sfgate

for many san franciscans the story is the same. it's been a lifetime of wait.

my dad was born shortly before the giants last world series win in 1954 and my mom was still a bun in the oven. the giants moved to san francisco in 1958 so my parents have been fans their entire lives and this was passed on to me when i was born. i would spend summers listening to giants baseball on knbr by our swimming pool, listening to my dad tell stories about his childhood at candlestick park when he would either pay little to nothing to get in or simply sneak in. even though the wait was long and tortuous, being a giants fan has always been easy. for us there was no question about who we would root for. and so we watched as the a's defeated us in 1989 after the loma prieta earthquake defeated our spirits. and then again in 2002 when it wasn't really the giants in the world series, but barry bonds. this team, this year, has been incredible to watch. so many rookies and new faces and so much excitement. the last few months have been exhausting as a fan of this team. we have often been left waiting until the last few pitches of a game for a win. but the torture has been worth it and this world series win feels so perfect. congrats to the giants!

after a lifetime of wait, it's finally time to celerbate.

tenderloin people's garden

2010-11-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

location: northeast corner of larkin & mcallister

when i started working in the tenderloin 6 months ago i was really nervous but as i've come to spend so much time here i've started to appreciate the neighborhood more. a few months ago this garden was just a sign and not much else. it's slow become a beautiful and lively garden in the middle of a really dark part of the city. the tenderloin is scary, i won't deny that. people get robbed & mugged in broad day light, kids smoke crack on the streets, people pee every where, but even as all of that is happening there's still something really great about it.

i love walking by this garden, especially, because it's so nice to see something beautiful for the community in an otherwise ignored part of the city.

happy halloween

2010-10-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

location: clancy's pumpkin patch, inner sunset (7th & lawton)

happy halloween!

be safe. be merry.

and most importantly, GO GIANTS!

quote of the day

2010-10-27T11:22:00.001-07:00

Teresa: dad called me yesterday after you told me he sounded drunk

he discussed the meatloaf

torture.

2010-10-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

what are you doing tonight?

cooking at home: french onion soup

2010-10-24T20:02:00.000-07:00

i've been writing a lot about food i eat lately but i've never really shared experiences from own kitchen. so i decided it's time.

i like to cook and eat (clearly) and i like to try new recipes and see what i can whip up.

this weekend while it was storming i decided to make vegetarian french onion soup for joe & dev. i got the recipe from epicurious, my fave recipe site.

french onion soup in 8 steps.

1. cook 2 lbs of onions (sliced vertically) w/ half stick of butter, bay leaves and thyme

2. stir pretty consistently until onion are golden brown (30 ish minutes for me), add 2 teaspons flour

3. add 3/4 cup white wine, drink remaining bottle

4. add 4 cups broth (i used O organic vegetable broth, typically it calls for beef broth), 1 1/2 cups water, pepper, simmer for 30 minutes

5. slice cheese - i used gruyere

6. toast baguette slices in oven, about 5 minutes on each side

7. pour soup into oven safe bowl, top with bread slices and guyere cheese slices, as well as some grated cheese (i used romano)

8. broil for a few minutes until cheese has melted. bon apetite!

let's go giants!

2010-10-24T12:46:00.001-07:00

"i've never seen one person talk so much to a tv in my entire life" - my mom referring to my dad watching the giants vs. phillies game.

in case you haven't heard, the giants won!

we're going to the world series.

and if we win d. walsh will die happy.

let's go giants!!!

quote of the day

2010-10-21T14:21:00.000-07:00

Eric: so there was a misunderstanding about my pay

and, me and 2 of the partners were going back and fourth

i thought there was 56 weeks in a year

star wars in 3 minutes.

2010-10-20T16:01:00.000-07:00

cin

duh.

2010-10-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

oh happy day.

2010-10-17T23:39:00.000-07:00

this congrats card was made for e & s.

two lovely friends that tied the knot this weekend.

it was a beautiful ceremony with a gorgeous bride!

i'm particularly proud of this.
i'm getting much better with the little details and i was able to use my letter press machine for the writing.

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

2010-10-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

have you been to glen park? before yesterday the only thing i knew about this area was that it had a bart stop. turns out that it's a really adorable little neighborhood in south san francisco, a little south of noe valley. it has a fresh, small town vibe with a cute business area of restaurants, shops and the nicest SF public library i've seen. i took bart with lucia yesterday and we dined at gialina which was fantastic and had cocktails and made friends at glen park station. the downtownish area is 1 block from glen park bart station. go see this gem of a neighborhood for youself!